Heart FM's Dark, Satanic Message

Hell exists, folks and it's right here on Earth. Yep, it's 106fm Heart Radio, drowning you in mediocrity while Satan tongues your balls and imps do the macarena. Having been forced to endure 8 hours of said radio station, I felt the compulsion to strangle everyone within a 15 mile radius with my underpant elastic. It's so unbelieveably twee and coy, I don't think the entire compliment of DJ's working at that station has a single vaguely confrontational opinion. I'd love to be employed by that station, just to say things like 'This whole 9/11 thing has been done to death now, don't you think?' or 'I don't know what everyone moans about Myra Hindley for. I once wrote to her and asked her how she got her hair to stand up like that, she's a lovely woman. I hoped one day she might be able to meet my kids'. That sort of thing. I don't actually think those things obviously but they would be fairly inflammatory, I'm sure you agree.

The most truly terrifying thing about Heart FM is that the poor buggers only seem to have about 12 songs in their entire catalogue. It must be such a pain in the arse having to wait another 20 years or so for someone to release a song, have it played on Radio 1 and then later at weddings/funerals whatever, be part of the national consciousness, be used in a film which then has a long stay at the cinema, a successful release on DVD and multiple christmas showings on television before the Heart DJ's are told it's ok! We have the clearance to play this song on air! Presumably because the original artist is either dead or could use the money given that the wait to hear it is just a fraction longer than the 100 years war.

When I contemplate the standard listening audience of this station, I struggle to wonder how they would react to the worst news you could possibly ever tell them. They obviously have no objections to anything other than what the Daily Mail has decided it wants to berate this week and they obviously have no concept of time, space or particle physics given that they are trapped eternally in an ever circling, outer spiral arm of a dark matter nebula where those caught in its gravitational pull are forced to endure 'What A Feeling' and that famous Backstreet Boys ballad everyone knows. I doubt they would even flinch if you told them that a nuclear holocaust was happening right outside the working men's club. They'd probably titter, say you were silly and go back to talking about Peter Andre and Jordan's divorce because, after all, they are the highest authorities on these matters.

The competitions are always crap, as well. Take this for example: yesterday, the grand prize on a Michael Jackson themed quiz was a copy of 'King Of Pop' CD (available now from all good bargain bins and Asda media racks for a price comparative to that of a tin of really, really nice dog food) and tickets to see Thriller! live on stage. Well, forgive me but, that's a bit fucking tight. Obviously they can't promise you tickets to Jackson's 02 shows. Why, that would just be weird and dark magic-y but surely there's got to be something better than a CD thats been widely available for the past few hundred thousand years and tickets to a crap musical/dance show which, in my mind, is just 2 hours of people dancing to Thriller. It reminds me of that DJ who only brought one record with him in that episode of Father Ted. Plus, they're all zombies in that music video aren't they? I might be convinced after five minutes that the zombie apocalypse was finally upon us and treat this as my cue to start calmly and cooly shooting people in the head.

Yes, Heart FM continues to broadcast it's dark, satanic message of banality and insignificance to bored housewives and warehouse staff throughout the land (or at least in the east midlands). Just thinking about it now makes me want to try and eat my own head, shit it out and consider whether there's a new audio dimension to be explored twixt the sound of their inane prattle and the lumps of shit that would be between my ears.

Emma Bunton DJ's for them now. That should say it all if you think about it.